Ali Yahya via Unsplash.com Pro tip: You can also use these as tweets or IG captions!
Funny Facebook Statuses and Post Ideas Everyone Will Like
I don’t care what the question is—the answer is “chocolate.” My mom says I’m attractive, so why hasn’t anyone else figured that out yet? Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway. It’s very hard to concentrate when I’m in a room full of cookies! I just broke my own personal record for most days on earth. High five! My goal in life is to have a Wikipedia page written about me. Maybe just a newspaper article. Ok, I’d accept a journal entry. My bank account balance constantly reassures me that I’m safe from identity theft. If we’re not supposed to eat at night, then why is there a light in the fridge? Don’t you wish they made a clap-on clap-off device for some people’s mouths? I get enough exercise pushing my luck. My relationship is like a Tesla. I don’t have a Tesla. Please cancel my subscription to your issues. A clean house is a sign of a wasted life. At least, that’s what I tell myself. I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one. ¡puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ ƃuᴉop ǝlᴉɥʍ ʞooqǝɔɐℲ ǝsn oʇ ʍoɥ pǝuɹɐǝl ʎllɐuᴉɟ I ██████████ status is loading . . . …………(0 0).—oOO– (_)—–.╔═════════════════╗║ Nobody cares ║╚═════════════════╝’———————-oOO……..|||………. || ||……. ooO Ooo
Funny Meta Facebook Posts That Will Get Likes and Comments
“People you may know” should really be “people you definitely know and hate.” Someone contact Facebook and let them know. Why isn’t there an “eye-roll” reaction on Facebook? If I had a dollar for every random with no mutual friends that sent me a friend request, I’d be rich! The next person to post “can I just get one like for . . .” is getting unfriended. No, you cannot get one like. You shouldn’t like me. I’m not a Facebook status update. “Hello, is this Elite Model Management? Yes, I think I’m ready to go pro . . . my selfie just got 17 likes on Facebook!” I wish I could get a notification when someone deletes me so I could “like” it. Dance like nobody’s taking a video that’s going to end up on Facebook later. If I go more than two hours without posting a Facebook status update, I’ve probably been kidnapped. Call the police. I used to have a life, but then I got a Facebook account. The best posts on Facebook are the people who apologize for not having been on in a while, but then nobody cares that they’re back. Most people don’t know this, but you can actually be a vegan without posting about it on Facebook. A lot of people think my status updates are about them. Well, if the shoe fits . . . I’m really glad I grew up before Facebook existed.
Funny and Inspirational Quotes for Your Facebook Status
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” —Billy Wilder “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” —Charles Lamb “If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” —George Burns “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” —George Carlin “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.” —Gertrude Stein “Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you.” —Jeffree Star “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” —Jerry Seinfeld “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” —Mark Twain “Always forgive your enemies—nothing annoys them so much.” —Oscar Wilde “I’m sorry; if you were right, I’d agree with you.” —Robin Williams “If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.” —Stan Laurel “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” —Thomas Edison “Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” —William James “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” —Winston Churchill
Funny Facebook Posts for the Holidays
Holiday-specific posts get everyone excited about the upcoming day, whether it’s New Year’s Day, Christmas, Halloween, or any other special day on the calendar! Dorrell Tibbs via Unsplash.com Sharing other people’s content, such as memes, videos, or funny posts, is another great way to get likes and comments on Facebook! Try to vary your content across social media networks—if your Facebook friends are also your Instagram followers, they might want to see a variety of stuff from you instead of the same posts repeated across platforms. NeONBRAND via Unsplash.cm
New Year’s Eve/Day
Happy New Year! Here’s to another year of resolutions we’ll never keep and wall calendars we’ll never look at! I’m already perfect, so I don’t need to make any resolutions! Sorry, not sorry. I would quit my bad habits next year, but nobody likes a quitter. New year, new me. That’s what I said last year, the year before that, and the year before that . . . but this year, I really mean it! Thank u, next.
Valentine’s Day
I saved a ton of money on Valentine’s Day by staying single. Highly recommended. It’s Valentine’s Day, and yet so far this year, I’ve only made a connection with my wi-fi. If you’re planning on sending me a Valentine’s Day card, please make sure it’s Visa or Mastercard. Now accepting applications to be my Valentine. Leave your app in the comments below.
St. Patrick’s Day
Irish you were beer. I’m not Irish, but feel free to kiss me anyway. Shamrockin’ and rollin’ on St. Patty’s Day.
Halloween
I know what I’m going to be for Halloween! Drunk. Halloween—the one night my lifestyle of eating candy in the dark while watching horror movies is actually socially acceptable. Every year, I hear about drugs and razor blades being found in kids’ Halloween candy. I always wonder why people would give away something so expensive for free! Which Halloween candy pairs best with chardonnay? Asking for a friend. Good friends share their Halloween candy. Great friends let you have all the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is such a magical time—it’s supposed to be about giving thanks, but it’s really about stuffing your face with as much food as possible. Thanksgiving is a time to be grateful . . . that you live thousands of miles away from your family. Talk turkey to me. #foodcoma Nobody puts gravy in the corner. Good vibes & apple pies.
Christmas
Help! I’m trying to get into the holiday spirits, but the bottle won’t open! December 25th is the one day of the year I’m actually a morning person. All I want for Christmas is you . . . and a bunch of presents. Here’s my list. The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter in it. You’ve already put up your Christmas tree? Well, guess what? I’m already drunk for St. Patrick’s Day. I feel concerned about gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year. Memo to the people who put antlers and a red Rudolph nose on your car for Christmas—you can’t fool me; I know that’s a car! We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal—it’s cruel and outdated. Behave, or Santa will break your cell phone, kids!
Comments
Shafqat M from India on October 16, 2020: Though I am not on Facebook, these Facebook status updates look quite impressive and hilarious!
